in 2023 I was thinking about a self-help romantic relationships book is solely for romantic relationships. Nowadays, I read that book and discovered an interesting fact. The book is also to un-learn and re-learn yourself in your relationship with everyone
For the first time, I discovered a non-fiction book about romantic relationships that you can apply to yourself. Moreover, it is not only about romantic relationships but also relationships with your colleagues, friends, family, and so on. After I have understood the book, those books can make me to know more about myself, and what I want to do in my relationship and intensify my self-awareness. Furthermore, it is not only about romantic relationships but also your relationship with yourself implicitly, I know myself better than before.
One of the books that I found is entitled “I Wish I Knew this Early” by Toni Tone. In this book, she explained how to approach someone that you like, relationships, and healing. Nevertheless, when I opened the first page, I realized the book is not only for someone who finds a partner but also to un-learn and re-learn myself from a relationship perspective through Toni Tone’s perspective.
It is discussed from the first page and it was my fault that I did before know this book:
“I made in the past was dating people without really understanding what I genuinely wanted. At times I would find myself in relationships with people not because I truly wanted to be with them, but because everything around me suggested I should have a relationship. I would end up with people not because they possessed the characteristics I deeply desire in a partner, but because they were persistent, and I was single.
Friendship has the biggest impact on your relationship, if we are friends with someone who wants to have a romantic relationship and they do not focus on us, they will find someone who does not frequent with us. On the other hand, when we start a friendship with someone, a few people do not know what they want to have in that relationship. In the end, someone that you like and crush will hurt you because you do not frequent with them. Afterwards, they will hurt you and the ending is not good for you.
It happened to me when I started to try to connect with someone. I attempted to know what they liked and comprehend their jokes. Because I do not understand their jokes, implicitly they hurt me. They cannot regulate their emotions and tend to be emotionally unavailable. Whether I’m harming myself or forced to interact with them.
One example is that I hardly texted them and they do not like that. Implicitly, it made me think “Was I stupid or unworthy of everyone? Because I do not go there frequently?” After I went to a psychiatrist, I realized that I have a problem interacting and communicating with everyone. I think I prefer to communicate through chat is normal. Nevertheless, it is not normal and presented that I have a problem socializing with everyone.
Furthermore, this book teach us how to regulate our emotions when we break up from our relationship and also how to connect with everyone.
It reminds me when I have relationships with everyone I always prioritize to take and give relationships. If someone does not give the same effort as I give them an effort, I decide to cut them off. Why do I cut off them? or give them some gap for my peace?
First, when we make efforts to maintain that relationship, whereas they do not want to maintain our relationship it means they want to end the relationship. Hence, we do not have to change them because they change when they want to change themselves.
We don’t possess the power to change people. People change because they want to.
Second, when we decide to choose our partner (that we want to choose) — we are only looking for their potential. In addition, smart people do not necessarily regulate their emotions. It examines on page 85:
Potential should not be why we choose to love people. We should choose to love people for who they really are because the painful truth is that potential does not always manifest. You may think a person is capable of moving mountains for you, but should those mountains never be moved, how will you feel? Also, when you potential, you don’t allow yourself the privilege of getting to really know the person right in front of you. Falling for potential is not just disservice to you but it's also disservice to the person you are choosing to love.
Therefore, when we fall in love with someone we should know why do you like them? But is not from the potential that they have. One of the example based on my opinion is when we like someone merely their ingenuity but you do not look from another their character — or you just like them based on physique.
With the result that when we think we are problematic always thinking it happens because our mistakes, not them. On other side, sometimes we forget everyone have a red flag but sometimes we cannot tolerate their red flags. From this, I realized “Could I accept their red flag if I only look from their potential?”
It turns out I realized if I want to start relationship with someone is too often looking their potential from that person instead of I focused on myself. Then, I realize that I do not focused on myself maximally. When I have some talks with my brother, he said that I’m too focused on another person and the future whereas the important thing is to upgrade myself to be a better person.
Moreover, sometimes I’m not considerate that they do not like me. How to know? Because I only read the potential from that person whereas the person explicitly show their red flag but I only see the green flag from that person. On the contrary, when I think they are good but the reality they are not a good person just because I think they are kind.
Afterwards, how to heal myself? Although sometimes I feel triggered if I remember that happened to myself.
First, validate our emotions. When I was rejected by someone and broken heart, I’m always distracted myself with some activities without validate our feeling. Exactly, it makes our mind feel overwhelmed and feel disappointed to ourselves.
Second, focus on ourselves. Sometimes, we see them on social media whereas we do not need to see them because it hold us to move on. Moreover, I decided to remove them from my social media. Why do you need to take this action? It is easier to move on from them. When I’m heartbreak from someone, I will remove them from all social media. Afterwards, if I feel better and accepted the rejection, I will unblock them and start the friendship again except someone who really hurt me, there is no access for my personal life.
Third, find a new hobby. Besides is used to distract ourselves implicitly also as one of tools to upgrade ourselves. When I got rejection from someone, I decided to learn crocheting and reading a book to know something new. this book is one of the book that I learn about relationship. The most important is give yourself access to move on from someone that hurt you.
When we are moving on, sometimes we remember one of our memories that make you feel rejected and hurt yourself and I think it is okay to remember. Toni Tone examined with asking how people present in our life it can be one of the ways to process that memories. If there is no remember what make you feel rejected, sad, and hurt to yourself, then, it only remembers that memories you created with them.
Writing a bad thing on the diary also push forward yourself to move on and keep away ourselves from them. We can do this when you look an object or photo that make you remember to them. From this, we can learn how to build your boundaries with everyone. Break up is not always bad, but also shape a positive things on ourselves (if we want to learn about that). Two times I felt heart break with someone, I learned a lot things like Tony Tone write on her book:
Relationships also give us insight into our own behavior. For some people, past relationships have highlighted aspects of their character that they want to change or aspects of their character that they may love. In addition, some people are lucky enough to have ex-partners who helped shape them in positive ways. The experiences and lessons they have taken away have actually made them better partners for lovers in the future — whether they know this or not. Even when people have had terrible ex-partners, their experiences and lessons have the capacity to improve the way they navigate relationships in future for themselves.(p.137)
Of course, missing someone will not make you feel lame. Sometimes people misunderstanding about this. Asking their life after broken heart and break up it does not mean we are missing them and failed to move on from them. When we are texting with someone it does not mean we failed to move on from them. Sometimes we are curious with them and want to know their life after break up.
Thus, from this book I realize that book teach us to get what we want to in our relationship is heal yourself first. We do not find a new person to escape from our wounds. Resolve what happen in ourselves is easier us when we face one problem and it makes us not easily triggered when we are in the one place which have a memories with someone or remember that moment.
From this, I also learn that I do need to follow someone advice if the advice do not give a big impact to yourself. Give an advice is good but not all advice need to follow and put in your heart, then you feel wrong with that. Implicitly, if someone said “You are the person that….” we do not take it seriously because they just only know a little bit yourself. Moreover, I got a lot knowledge about relationship with everyone.
